Okay, I formally surrender to the tide of bad news stories about too-clever-by-half Sarah Palin. As it happens, I have not one, but two, semi-close friends who live in Fairbanks, which, as we all know, is but a stone’s throw from Wasilla, at least in Google Maps terms, where it is possible to zoom out so that all of Alaska can be covered with my thumb. And after close consultation, I have decided to ignore both of them, because obviously the Palinites have gotten to them.

So, I decided to start my own list of Sarah Palin rumors.

• Sarah Palin once tipped the pizza guy a dollar. I mean, this was for two larges and a medium. A dollar! Like that is going to buy, what, five miles worth of gas? To quote the pizza guy, “And she was all, like, sorry, sorry, I don’t have any change, and the baby was crying and I was like, whatever, I don’t need it, and she got Bristol to cough up a dollar. Right, like that was going to buy, umm, what?” So she took money from her pregnant daughter to give it to the pizza guy. What does that tell you about her tax policy?
• [1] Trig Palin’s second middle name is Van. Like, in Van Halen, except it’s Van Palin, get it? Well, actually, this is true, not just a rumor. The wild rumor part is that they chose this name because Todd thinks David Lee Roth is retarded. Now, [2] I have heard people say that Roth is retarded, so maybe there is something to this.
• No, wait, they chose Van Palin because Track likes that song, “Running with the Devil”. Get it? Palin as the Anti-Christ… [3] oh, wait, that’s Obama. Never mind.
• Sarah and Todd enjoy R-rated movies. Wait until the evangelicals hear about this! We all know how close-minded they are about [4] the screen gods who are so much cuter and smarter than us.
• Sarah Palin has been heard to cuss in traffic. No, really, like loudly, not like everyone else who cusses under their breath.
• Sarah Palin is a member of Skull and Bones. Well, actually, it was [5] Scull and Bone, the University of Idaho’s crew team, but if you say it real fast the rubes will think she’s going to force us all to live through a ThirdBushTerm thing.
• Sarah Palin once went to an ice cream parlor with her family and didn’t order anything for herself. SO WHAT? I hear you ask. All I’m saying is, why would anyone sane live in Alaska? You can’t even enjoy your ice cream. Clearly she is just using the state as a springboard for personal ambition.

Well, that should be enough to get [6] Andrew Sullivan [7] started, anyway.

UPDATE: Apparently there are members of the “[8] intelligentsia” (irony quotes  intentional) who are unable to discern satire from reality. [9] Ace of Spades calls Matt Damon on spreading not merely false rumors but [10] clearly labeled satire about Palin and the derangees she has spawned. Matt Damon is clearly through the looking glass and has become a part of a “really bad Disney movie” — except that he’s playing the role of the stupid, uninformed, pompous, malicious Hollywood star who tries to slander the heroine. And for those of you who think Matt Damon is actually intelligent, I gently remind you: [11] Good Will Hunting was a work of fiction — “wicked sma’t” he ain’t.

So, for the record, this post is satire.  Please include this disclaimer if you intend to copy and email these false rumors to your friends.