Palinesque
Okay, I formally surrender to the tide of bad news stories about too-clever-by-half Sarah Palin. As it happens, I have not one, but two, semi-close friends who live in Fairbanks, which, as we all know, is but a stone’s throw from Wasilla, at least in Google Maps terms, where it is possible to zoom out so that all of Alaska can be covered with my thumb. And after close consultation, I have decided to ignore both of them, because obviously the Palinites have gotten to them.
So, I decided to start my own list of Sarah Palin rumors.
- Sarah Palin once tipped the pizza guy a dollar. I mean, this was for two larges and a medium. A dollar! Like that is going to buy, what, five miles worth of gas? To quote the pizza guy, “And she was all, like, sorry, sorry, I don’t have any change, and the baby was crying and I was like, whatever, I don’t need it, and she got Bristol to cough up a dollar. Right, like that was going to buy, umm, what?” So she took money from her pregnant daughter to give it to the pizza guy. What does that tell you about her tax policy?
- Trig Palin’s second middle name is Van. Like, in Van Halen, except it’s Van Palin, get it? Well, actually, this is true, not just a rumor. The wild rumor part is that they chose this name because Todd thinks David Lee Roth is retarded. Now, I have heard people say that Roth is retarded, so maybe there is something to this.
- No, wait, they chose Van Palin because Track likes that song, “Running with the Devil”. Get it? Palin as the Anti-Christ… oh, wait, that’s Obama. Never mind.
- Sarah and Todd enjoy R-rated movies. Wait until the evangelicals hear about this! We all know how close-minded they are about the screen gods who are so much cuter and smarter than us.
- Sarah Palin has been heard to cuss in traffic. No, really, like loudly, not like everyone else who cusses under their breath.
- Sarah Palin is a member of Skull and Bones. Well, actually, it was Scull and Bone, the University of Idaho’s crew team, but if you say it real fast the rubes will think she’s going to force us all to live through a ThirdBushTerm thing.
- Sarah Palin once went to an ice cream parlor with her family and didn’t order anything for herself. SO WHAT? I hear you ask. All I’m saying is, why would anyone sane live in Alaska? You can’t even enjoy your ice cream. Clearly she is just using the state as a springboard for personal ambition.
Well, that should be enough to get Andrew Sullivan started, anyway.
UPDATE: Apparently there are members of the “intelligentsia” (irony quotes intentional) who are unable to discern satire from reality. Ace of Spades calls Matt Damon on spreading not merely false rumors but clearly labeled satire about Palin and the derangees she has spawned. Matt Damon is clearly through the looking glass and has become a part of a “really bad Disney movie” — except that he’s playing the role of the stupid, uninformed, pompous, malicious Hollywood star who tries to slander the heroine. And for those of you who think Matt Damon is actually intelligent, I gently remind you: Good Will Hunting was a work of fiction — “wicked sma’t” he ain’t.
So, for the record, this post is satire. Please include this disclaimer if you intend to copy and email these false rumors to your friends.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, 10 September 2008 at 21:39 and is filed under Politics & Society. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.
Saturday, 13 September 2008 at 01:57
Hey, give Matt Damon a break. Some of the smartest people in the world are Harvard dropouts!
Monday, 15 September 2008 at 05:45
Fairbanks was a right mess last week with reportage and entourage the other day as Palin came “home.” The Oil Pipeline view point was mobbed as Charles Gibson met with her there. The lingering hangover of the rally was short-lived, apparently. By noon the next day, our lives were back to normal with a modest level of chatter, with a few exceptions.
The women at work are universally gaga over Palin’s selection as veep candidate. You’d think there was a second coming or something. Honestly, their enthusiasm is based entirely on “she’s one of us”, all without knowledge of her positions on anything whatsoever, save for a few of the embarrassments left behind by the Murkowski administration.
Meanwhile, I’ve been digging a bit, and I’m pretty well settled that she’s potentially bad news for the country. Not that she has totally outlandish notions of governance or human rights, for example, but I’m beginning to get the feeling she’s is a true opportunist rather than a leader. As I have said before, as governor, she’s been OK, but as I see her getting molded into a national figure/cheerleader by the RNC machine, it’s scary. Leadership — not cheerleadership — is something this country has lacked for a long time, and we need it badly.
Also, the “Troopergate” problem has only turned up more questions of her judgment. It seems the entire family, Sarah included, had a major axe to grind with her sister’s ex. On top of the desire to make the guy pay, the whole family also sought many times to make malicious claims serious enough to where he could lose his job. Even the judge commented that it didn’t make sense.
Monday, 15 September 2008 at 17:36
Well, curiously, it was “Troopergate II: The Sarah Palin Chronicles” that tipped me in favor of Palin. Sure, I liked the tax-cutting, bridge-killing, jet-on-eBay, moose-killer, Murkowski-slayer stuff, but the fact that she’s hell-on-wife-beaters really cinched it for me.
Did Palin fire Monegan because he wouldn’t fire Wooten? I wish it were true. But it appears that the charges that she fired the guy for the thing about the other guy don’t appear to be true. The rumor was started by Andrew Halcro, a former political rival. Ever since Halcro’s blog energized Palin’s (numerous) enemies, Monegan has issued cryptic, carefully calibrated hints of pressure, without actually saying that Palin ordered him to fire Wooten. FWIW, I would have fired Monegan for not firing admitted-screwup Wooten. He tasered his kid and he gets a four-day suspension? Drunk driving? Death threats?
Reportedly Palin actually fired Monegan because he went to legislators pushing for budget increases not approved by the governor’s office. I would have fired him for that, too.
But if the Democrats want to make Mike Wooten their poster boy for fair play in government, well, that fits well with the whole Ayers/Wright/Rezko thing.
Tuesday, 16 September 2008 at 02:59
Oh, I’d have probably fired Wooten, HAD I BEEN HIS SUPERVISOR. I used to be a State employee, and I know enough about the system that, as governor, I would have recognized that to fiddle with an employee so far down in the food chain would only invite the questions that have been forthcoming of late. Not good politics.
Tuesday, 16 September 2008 at 21:36
Well, I would have fired Wooten, had I been his supervisor’s supervisor’s supervisor. But apparently none of this pressure happened. I gather that the real reason Monegan was encouraged to hit ladders.com was that he refused to play budget games according to the governor’s rules. And that will get you fired anywhere.